NEW BLOG!!!! :)

Just so that everyone knows, I have created a new blog. I’ve included a link to the new blog. I am undecided as to whether or not I will keep posting on this blog. Go check it out! I’ll be posting a new post tonight! Check it out! 🙂 

Mad as a Writer

P.S – I may be so inclined to steal a couple things from this blog but 99.99% of it will be all new posts.

Advertisements

The Promise

thepromisecover

I’ve been meaning to write this review for a long while now. Since I’d have this book, I’ve read it three times. I’ve recently been going to a tough time and so I’d reread the book at different times throughout the difficulties so I got to experience it with different emotions going through me. The end result was always the same. I absolutely loved it. I actually loved this book more than the first book I read by C.E. Wilson. While both were absolutely amazing, there was just something about this book that I connected with more. The relationship between the two main characters and the obstacle they were presented with was just unreal. I loved the dynamics of the characters too and that they seemed real. I loved the ending as well, though I had mixed emotions at first. Afterwards, I felt that the ending was fitting and did not leave me with that feeling of unresolved issues. Overall, this is by far an amazing book and definitely worth the read. C.E. Wilson, weaves an imaginative and unique that I doubt you will find anywhere else. (Click here for a link to the book’s amazon page!)

So much to write about!

Wow, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted an update and I have so much to post about. I have a book review that I’ve been meaning to post and so much to tell update up it’s unreal!

First let me say that I have reached my first major goal of losing 50 pounds! Only 115 more to go until I reach my goal weight. A lot, I know but I’m 50 pounds closer. (Actually, I’m more than that now but since reaching 50 pounds I no longer reward myself per pound but for every 5 to 10 pounds. I’m still in a size 18 (I could probably fit into a large 16, maybe, haven’t tried.) though, as I predicted, but they are slowly starting to get bigger and bigger. My shirt size is a 14/16 where is was an 18/20 and my pants are a small 18 where they were a large 20 but I think I should have been wearing a 22. I can fit into  a regular size L t-shirt without problems and slowly those are becoming too big but the size M’s aren’t are comfortable so I haven’t gone down. The 14/16’s are starting to get looser though. I know this because I’m beginning to show more and more cleavage without meaning to. The best compliment that I’ve gotten so far is when I saw my dad and he barely recognized me. That was a nice feeling. I’m also about to go on a juice fast. (And yes, it is doctor supervised and approved.) It is the juice fast from the movie, Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I’m going to start with 10 days. At 10 days I’ll see if I can make it to 30, and at 30 I’ll see if I can make it to 60. Then I’ll rest for 60 days then go back on the fast for another 30 to 60 days. I’m not doing this one for weight loss although I know I’ll lose weight, I’m doing this one to hopefully give my body the chance to heal and repair problems that have been plaguing me for 12+ years that I believe are linked to what I’ve been eating. I say this because when I listen to my body now, it feels so much better. I’ve learned what my body can and can’t handle so easily. Fish, yes. Poultry, 95% of the time. Red meat, 25% of the time. Dairy, 50/50. I’ve also stopped having so many allergy and sinus problems when I cut back on dairy. I also haven’t had a soda in almost 5 months. It will be 5 on the 28th. I do have alcohol every once in a while but since the Fall semester is about to start, I don’t drink so that won’t be a problem with the fast. In fact, I’ll be so busy with work and school, I kind of view the fast as a blessing because making my meals will be so much quicker and when I’m studying and working hard. I don’t like to eat. Drinking, yeah. I down water all day long but I sometimes, I view eating as a hassle when I have stuff to do. When I started my life revolved around eating, I loved food and I had no control. I eat only to nourish my body and that’s it now. I accepted no responsibility over where I was weight was. While I did have help from medical illnesses, I did make my situation any better by using it as excuse to do whatever I wanted. I don’t allow myself to do that anymore.

Also on the job front, I’m loving my internship. Well, except for this one person, I’m loving it. I’m learning so much. I’m really hoping that they extend my internship. I’m really, really hoping. They keep bring it up but I’m trying not to get my hopes up but I really hope it happens. I really love working there, except for that one person. That person irks me greatly but, I doubt they know. I’m always polite to them and friendly, I just don’t go out of my way to acknowledge them….  Anyways, I have lots more to write about but not enough time to write about it! My next post will most likely be the book review that I’m dying to share with y’all! 🙂 (It was a really good book!)

I’ll admit it.

I’ll admit it. I hate to but I’ll do it because I need to. I get cold sores/fever blisters, whatever you want to call them,  on my lips. I didn’t get them because I was out there being promiscuous. I, like a lot of others out there, got them from my parents. I hate that I get them. They are gross and unsightly but what’s worse is the way people look at you when you have one. I just want to scream that it isn’t my fault that I have them. I got my first one when I was four years old. It’s not like at that age I was out there kissing everyone I could. No. I got it sharing a drink or kissing my parents goodnight. Doing something that every child does. My brother got them that way too. A lot of people do. I hate feeling dirty because of this though. I hate that there is really nothing you can do to get rid of them quickly. Nope. You just have to ride it out and hope that it goes through it’s cycle fast. Although, I’ll admit there are a lot of products out there that can speed up the process. They aren’t going to go away overnight though. I’m writing this post because I know that I am not the only one. That there are others out there that got these horrible things from a family member when they were a child or were born with it. There are others out there like me that hate the looks people give us when we did nothing wrong. That people make wrongful assumptions about who we are and what we’ve done because we get them. A lot of celebrities get them too. That fact doesn’t make me feel better but it does let me know that it can happen to everyone. It reminds me that there are others that have to put up with these awful things too. Just like me. Just like some of you. I’m dreading going to work tomorrow because of this thing on my lip. I’m embarrassed as are most others. It’s just something I’ll have to tough out though and try to remember that a lot of others are afflicted by them too. (About 1 in 3 people have them.)

Pen Names

A lot of authors use or have used pen names.

I plan on using a pen name.

I just keep running into a little problem.

I can’t decide on what it should be. I refuse to publish my book without having a pen name. I could publish it under my real name but I want to move up to the top of the ladder in the corporate world and writing books under my real name where there is a chance that someone would use it against me just doesn’t appeal to me.

Yes , I am aware that using a pen name doesn’t hide my real identity and that if they tried hard enough that they could discover who I really am anyways. I know this but I still want to use a pen name and that’s where I get stuck. I have the first name picked out already. It’s the last name that I’m having problems with. Either there is someone out there famous with that name or I sound like a porn star. I also kind of what the name as a whole to be significant to me in some way, shape, or form.

Basically, I’m renaming myself. I see it as separating me from my author self in a way. My author self can weave words together flawlessly, even on the spot. The regular me, not so much. I have to get into my writer mindset. It’s always there, waiting, dying for the chance to break free.

I’ve come up with so many last names and I’ve run out of ideas. The last thing I want to do is get so overwhelmed that I just pick one then end up hating it a couple days, months, or years down the road. Choosing a name for a character is so much easier than this.

If anyone has any ideas or tips, please feel free to share them. 🙂

The Seven Deadly Sins

Lust.

Greed.

Gluttony.

Sloth.

Wrath.

Envy.

Pride.

I am a sinner. In fact, most of us are. We have all fallen to these at one point in time. Someone of us sinning every day. Others on rare occasions. They are known as The Seven Deadly Sins.

Pride – Inordinate self-esteem.

Envy – Painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage.

Wrath – Strong vengeful anger.

Sloth – Disinclination to action or labor.

Gluttony – Excess in eating or drinking.

Greed – A selfish and excessive desire for more of something (as money) than is needed.

Lust – Intense or unbridled desire.

When trying to pick the one that I committed the most often, I found it incredibly hard. I couldn’t pick just one. There are several times that I can think of where I have experienced all these in one day. That fact alone disturbs me a little. I have let my pride take over me. To blind me. It has kept me from being grateful for what I have. It has led to greed and the desire to have everything that my heart desires, whether I really want it or not. Just to have it. To throw it in the faces of the people who made my life miserable for so many years. I envy the people who do have that type of life. The life where you don’t have to worry about money and you are respected because you have all this money. I am slothful because I want to use that money to pay for people to do everything for me and I want to eat and drink only the best foods and drinks out there, maybe not to extreme excess but, I still want it. Then, there is lust. This is probably the sin I sin the most. It is also the sin that makes me feel the worst because I know I should not be having these emotions or thoughts like that. I know yet they are still there. I want that fiery, passion with someone. That passion that makes you deliriously happy. I become filled with wrath because, I know that I won’t get my greedy little paws on any of the things I want. That I can’t control and steer my life in the direction that I want. That I can’t just wish and get all that I want. An overwhelming anger fills me, and something else too. Something small and fighting to hold on. To make it’s presence known. Guilt.

In truth, I envy the people who had what they needed growing up. I envied those who were able to go to the doctor or the dentist. Who were able to have clothes without clothes and that actually fit. That envy has turned into something else though, as I’ve gotten older. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and while I may not go out and have a shopping spree. If I need something, I am almost to the point where I can afford it and not have to stress. I’m about to be able to go to the doctor without having to worry about how long it will take me to pay off the bill. I can put my health first. There are times were my mind is cleared and I am truly able to give thanks and be happy with what I have because, I’ve still got it better than a lot of others out there. Yes, lust is amazing but love, love is so much more satisfying. I have love and at the end of the day, love is what makes me happy. I realize that I don’t need all this useless junk that I’m not going to use and don’t truly want. I don’t have to flaunt everything I own and show off to people to prove myself. I don’t need to eat and drink the best all the time. It’s so much better when it’s a treat and sometimes, homemade mac and cheese just really hits the spot. I actually don’t like people doing things for me all the time. There are several things, I’d rather do myself. It’s just easier and I enjoy it. I realize most of the time that there is nothing to be angry about too. I’m not vengeful either. I’d honestly just rather let it go. It’s too much work being angry. Seriously.

I do still commit these sins though, even though I know that in doing so, they make me feel worse not better. In my last post I sounded like a spoiled brat and it was only after re-reading it that I realized how ungrateful I really sounded. I’m happy to be getting my car back. I miss it so much that I don’t care what it looks like. As long as it will pass a state inspection test and the air conditioner works (Because come on, I live in Texas. Few people can survive without A/C’s down here and I’m not one of them. I pass out and stuff when I get too hot. No matter if I’m hydrated or not.) then I’ll be happy. Maybe one day, I won’t commit these sins as much but I’m not wise enough for that yet. I still have too many lessons to learn.

5 Minutes!

I have 5 minutes before I’m supposed to be in bed. Actually I take that back. I was supposed to be in bed between 8:30 and 9 but, that didn’t work out. It’s now 9:56 and I’m still up, knowing that when my alarm goes off at 4:30 in the morning, I am not going to want to crawl out of bed. I wanted to post an update about me though. An update about my weight loss and my car wreck. I’ve gained 4 pounds. It pisses me off but, my mom swears it’s muscle because she says, I look smaller. I don’t believe her. I’ve been eating more because I’m stressed about my weight gain but, I’ve managed to stay away from a lot of sugar and from sodas, and I do make sure that if I do overeat it’s on fruit or vegetables only. It might be muscle though. I do walk around a lot at work and when you are walking around in 3 to 4 inch heels, it might be giving me some leg muscle. I can’t wait to go back to the doctor though. She said they could kick start my weight if I had in fact hit a plateau.

I do love my new job though. I love what I call the nature walk from the garage to the building. In the early morning hours you can hear the sounds of nature around you. It’s comforting and relaxing to experience nature before you’re stuck in a building all day. Maybe that’s why they made the walk from the garage to the building so long. To get their employees to exercise, relax, and enjoy nature on their way to and from work. Although I have to admit. The walk back to the garage at the end of the day is awful. Most of us are donning full pants and 3/4 to full sleeve shirts. I’ve even seen some sweaters because they keep the buildings that cold. That walk back though, in Texas. It’s hell. I mean it. If you’ve ever experienced the summer heat in Texas wearing pants, you know. While I could were some pretty business dresses, which I do have, I won’t. I’m still totally and completely uncomfortable with my body. I see bigger women than me wearing their dresses but, I am not confidant enough to do that. Especially after gaining 4 pounds. Whether it be fat or muscle, it really bothers me. Enough that I try to find shirts baggy enough that I can hide behind but not baggy enough that I look horrible. Again, I repeat. I can’t wait to go to the doctor.

I’m starting to feel better after the car wreck. I still ache every once in awhile but, it’s not as bad as that first weekend or those first couple days back at work. My car is slowly being repaired but, I’ll never feel the same about my car again. It’s going to be black everywhere they had to replace it and my car its that light silvery blue color. I’m embarrassed. It’s wrong of me to feel that way, that’s what everyone has been telling me but, my car was one of the few nice things I had. Now, because no one made sure that I understood what liability meant, I’m stuck with a car I’ll no longer feel proud to drive. The words I could use to describe how horribly shallow I am are endless. I know that it is shallow of me. I should be thankful I still have a car to get me to and from work but, I’m not. I’m thinking about how embarrassed I’ll be to be seen driving that car because I can’t afford a paint job to make the new parts match. I’m so upset that I couldn’t afford to get my car repaired by at an auto repair shop so that after it was done, I could get full coverage but now I can’t. They won’t let me and the ones that will, charge and arm, leg, and my first born. I don’t want to be embarrassed to drive my car but that visual of how noticeable that black will be against that light silvery blue is stuck in my head. People judge you on what you drive. Yes, I know that I shouldn’t care what people think but, I’m fat. I get judged enough and now I get to be judged by yet another thing. Something that I won’t be able to change for a very long while because of all the other crap I have to pay off. Like my summer school class. That’s a nice grand coming out of my pocket.

Maybe, it won’t be so bad and I’m just so stressed about all the things that are happening at once, that I can’t see the positive. I’m too clouded by the negative. Like how I’m worried I’ll get a ticket while driving my husband’s car because we have to get his car fixed so that we can renew his inspection sticker that expired in May. That’s going to be another 500 bucks that we can’t afford to fix his car and that’s just the price of the parts. He is doing the work himself because we can’t afford that extra 200 to 300 that it would cost to pay a professional to do it. All within the same month too. I swear, it’s like one good thing happens followed by a handful of bad. It’s times like these that I struggle to stay positive. And boy am I struggling. So, that’s my update/pity post. I actually feel a little better now. Maybe I just needed to vent to a whole bunch of people that I don’t know.

I’ve used up way more than my 5 minutes but, my mind is quite now. It’s found a little corner of peace, and who knows. Maybe I’ll wake up and begin to see that glimmer of a silver lining because there has got to be one, hasn’t there?

Previous Older Entries