I have 5 minutes before I’m supposed to be in bed. Actually I take that back. I was supposed to be in bed between 8:30 and 9 but, that didn’t work out. It’s now 9:56 and I’m still up, knowing that when my alarm goes off at 4:30 in the morning, I am not going to want to crawl out of bed. I wanted to post an update about me though. An update about my weight loss and my car wreck. I’ve gained 4 pounds. It pisses me off but, my mom swears it’s muscle because she says, I look smaller. I don’t believe her. I’ve been eating more because I’m stressed about my weight gain but, I’ve managed to stay away from a lot of sugar and from sodas, and I do make sure that if I do overeat it’s on fruit or vegetables only. It might be muscle though. I do walk around a lot at work and when you are walking around in 3 to 4 inch heels, it might be giving me some leg muscle. I can’t wait to go back to the doctor though. She said they could kick start my weight if I had in fact hit a plateau.
I do love my new job though. I love what I call the nature walk from the garage to the building. In the early morning hours you can hear the sounds of nature around you. It’s comforting and relaxing to experience nature before you’re stuck in a building all day. Maybe that’s why they made the walk from the garage to the building so long. To get their employees to exercise, relax, and enjoy nature on their way to and from work. Although I have to admit. The walk back to the garage at the end of the day is awful. Most of us are donning full pants and 3/4 to full sleeve shirts. I’ve even seen some sweaters because they keep the buildings that cold. That walk back though, in Texas. It’s hell. I mean it. If you’ve ever experienced the summer heat in Texas wearing pants, you know. While I could were some pretty business dresses, which I do have, I won’t. I’m still totally and completely uncomfortable with my body. I see bigger women than me wearing their dresses but, I am not confidant enough to do that. Especially after gaining 4 pounds. Whether it be fat or muscle, it really bothers me. Enough that I try to find shirts baggy enough that I can hide behind but not baggy enough that I look horrible. Again, I repeat. I can’t wait to go to the doctor.
I’m starting to feel better after the car wreck. I still ache every once in awhile but, it’s not as bad as that first weekend or those first couple days back at work. My car is slowly being repaired but, I’ll never feel the same about my car again. It’s going to be black everywhere they had to replace it and my car its that light silvery blue color. I’m embarrassed. It’s wrong of me to feel that way, that’s what everyone has been telling me but, my car was one of the few nice things I had. Now, because no one made sure that I understood what liability meant, I’m stuck with a car I’ll no longer feel proud to drive. The words I could use to describe how horribly shallow I am are endless. I know that it is shallow of me. I should be thankful I still have a car to get me to and from work but, I’m not. I’m thinking about how embarrassed I’ll be to be seen driving that car because I can’t afford a paint job to make the new parts match. I’m so upset that I couldn’t afford to get my car repaired by at an auto repair shop so that after it was done, I could get full coverage but now I can’t. They won’t let me and the ones that will, charge and arm, leg, and my first born. I don’t want to be embarrassed to drive my car but that visual of how noticeable that black will be against that light silvery blue is stuck in my head. People judge you on what you drive. Yes, I know that I shouldn’t care what people think but, I’m fat. I get judged enough and now I get to be judged by yet another thing. Something that I won’t be able to change for a very long while because of all the other crap I have to pay off. Like my summer school class. That’s a nice grand coming out of my pocket.
Maybe, it won’t be so bad and I’m just so stressed about all the things that are happening at once, that I can’t see the positive. I’m too clouded by the negative. Like how I’m worried I’ll get a ticket while driving my husband’s car because we have to get his car fixed so that we can renew his inspection sticker that expired in May. That’s going to be another 500 bucks that we can’t afford to fix his car and that’s just the price of the parts. He is doing the work himself because we can’t afford that extra 200 to 300 that it would cost to pay a professional to do it. All within the same month too. I swear, it’s like one good thing happens followed by a handful of bad. It’s times like these that I struggle to stay positive. And boy am I struggling. So, that’s my update/pity post. I actually feel a little better now. Maybe I just needed to vent to a whole bunch of people that I don’t know.
I’ve used up way more than my 5 minutes but, my mind is quite now. It’s found a little corner of peace, and who knows. Maybe I’ll wake up and begin to see that glimmer of a silver lining because there has got to be one, hasn’t there?